The elements of regret

5 most common regrets of people on their deathbed

“Do not act as if you were going to live ten thousand years. Death hangs over you. While you live, while it is in your power, be good.” - Marcus Aurelius

We all think we have more time, time to chase our dreams, time to make things right, time to live the life we’ve always wanted.

But the truth is, time is moving forward faster than we think. We like to believe we have plenty of it, but we don’t. To quote the Greek Stoic Marcus Aurelius, death is the one thing we can all be certain of. It’s the one thing we all have in common. We never know when it will appear. We can be certain, though, that it will come too soon.

Death, or at least being on its doorstep, appears to bring up the feeling of regret. I came across Bronnie Ware’s blog recently. Bronnie worked as an Australian nurse in palliative care who cared for hundreds of men and women on their deathbeds. As she nursed them, those people shared their stories with her, including the regrets they were feeling in their final days.

Frank Sinatra had it right when he sang, ‘Regrets, I have a few’. And when we are on our deathbeds, it looks like we all have a few.

Bronnie’s blog spoke to me because, unfortunately, some of the most common regrets she mentions ring true to me. I realised when reading her blog that these regrets were common because it’s so easy to get caught up in ‘just living life’ and doing what’s expected of us. But, if we never step outside of this mold, then we may find ourselves uttering some of the following phrases in our final days of life.

“I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”

This is one of the most common regrets people have on their deathbeds and, incidentally, one of the reasons why I chose to pursue my off-the-grid life.

This quote by Henry David Thoreau has long been my inspiration:

“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.”

Just like him, I went to live in my cabin in the woods because I did not want to one day realise that I should have pursued that dream and then realise it was too late. I remember dreaming about this lifestyle way back when I was in my teenage years. Still, I had to be in my thirties to finally pursue it. That is because I spent so much time trying to fit into society’s mold. A way of life that was never meant for me, chasing goals that were never aligned with my true values.

So many of us do it, though. We’re afraid of disappointing others, of stepping outside the lines, of being different. But when we come to our final days, will it really matter?

“I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.”

Another one I can deeply relate to. Our society is set up to have us work harder and harder. We sacrifice so much, our health, our relationships, and even our happiness, just so we can compete in the rat race, chasing a vague promise that everything will get better if we just work a little harder.

But when it comes down to it, we’re actually missing out on the things that truly matter. How many people do we all know who claim family as their top value but spend their days working so hard that they never actually get to spend time with them at all?

No one ever lies on their deathbed wishing they’d spent more time at the office. Of course, I realise that we all need to work to earn our pay, but it’s all about balance. I feel our current society is so focused on always achieving more and more, never stopping to think whether we really need more.

The toxic hustle culture message of always needing to be on and always needing to be productive is damaging us. I’ve personally fallen victim to this in the past—always optimising my time and ensuring I’m making the best use of every minute. I would spend so much of my time with headphones, listening to another podcast or audiobook about self-development. I learned a lot, but I also missed out on a lot, and I realised that was never going to make me happy.

“I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.”

As a recovering people-pleaser, this one also speaks to me. I have a very long history of not standing up for myself and not setting clear boundaries. And really I should probably be honest and remove the “recovering” from that first sentence. “Currently relapsing” might be a more accurate statement.

There’s a myriad of reasons why someone would people-please. Most of those reasons are rooted in fear—fear of rejection, fear of vulnerability, fear of being misunderstood. But the truth is, unexpressed feelings hold us back from connecting with those around us. Dr. Gabor Maté writes in his book The Myth of Normal about the fact that when we don’t express what we really think and feel, we’re not showing those around us all of ourselves. They aren’t seeing our true selves. They are getting a curated version of us.

As a people-pleaser, what’s really happening is you’re depriving yourself of the chance to be understood, but you’re also depriving others of the chance to get to know the real you. In essence, if you’re always bending over backwards for everyone else, you’re not really being authentic.

In my heart, I know all of this, but it’s easier for me to write about than to actually put it into practice. I’m a work in progress, okay?

“I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends”

How often does a friend reach out to catch up and you say no? Because you’re busy, because you have to work, because you want to catch up on the latest Netflix show, because you just don’t feel like it.

Staying in touch takes effort. Life has a way of throwing curve balls and taking up our attention. Time goes by so fast and before you know it, it’s been a year since you’ve seen someone. At least, that’s how things go in my case.

My lifestyle also takes up a lot of time, there’s always another task to complete in the weekend. There’s always some more wood to be chopped. At least those are my go-to excuses. I’m also very much an introvert who needs quiet alone-time to recharge. I have to make a conscious effort to make time for my friends. I know I don’t do this enough, so this one is a good reminder for me.

“I wish that I had let myself be happier.”

It hurts to think about how many people don’t let themselves experience happiness and joy for this to be one of the top 5 regrets.

We get so caught up in overthinking about the past or having anxiety about the future that we forget to savour the current moment. That’s what the slow living movement, which I’m a big fan of, is all about: connecting with the present moment and just allowing it to be without expecting more of it or wanting it to be something else. For me, that’s when I feel happiest, not when I’m being overly productive or being obsessed with optimising my time.

Sometimes I feel guilty, as if I’m not allowed to be happy. I have this weird idea about happiness that it’s usually not going to last. Like in movies, when a character in a movie reaches a moment of pure happiness, that’s usually the scene before something bad happens. It's the calm before the storm, and I should brace myself for whatever is to come.

For me, reading about these regrets is a good reminder to embrace life as it is right now. I don’t want to wait until my deathbed to realise these things. I can do something about it right now, before it's too late.

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Let me know in the comments which of these stood out for you?

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Something that inspired me this week:

The Etymologicon by Mark Forsyth. Quite possibly the most enjoyable book I’ve read in a very, very long time.

The book is written in such a clever and witty style, it keeps you engaged. It’s one of those books you just don’t want to put down. I’ve always had an interest in etymology, or the study of the origin of words - and this book really delivers, even if it is just for the one obscure reference to my home country Belgium (referring to the origin of the word botulism):

“In 1895 there was a funeral in Belgium. Ham was served to the guests at the wake and three of them dropped down dead. This must have delighted the undertakers, but it also meant that the remaining meat could be rushed to the University of Ghent.”

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This is what you can expect from me every week! A long-form article related to a reflection or life lesson on personal growth and one thing that inspired me this week. If you liked this, don’t keep it to yourself; share it with your friends:

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